CHINA SITS DOWN AT TABLE. BESS ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY, SHE'S AN UPBEAT FAMOUS 90'S HIPSTER PHOTOGRAPHER,DRESSED IN HER NIGHT GOWN, WITH FIVE BANDANAS AROUND HER HEAD, AND A VERY 60'S LOOK.

CHINA
Look what the cat dragged in.

TEE STARTS SHAKING HER HEAD

BESS
What's your problem?

TEE
What? I just went swimming at the Y.

BESS
How christian.

CHINA
Water in your ear?

TEE
No, it's the constant static in my head.

BESS
Where's Mom?

TEE
She spent the night at J.J's

CHINA
You look like a shiek with that towel-head.

TEE
Which reminds me, Mom's coming home for breakfast.

BESS
Are you two on acid? What do my bandanas have to do with Mom?

CHINA
The World Trade Center.The potential Arabian massacre. Her impetuous nuptials to J.J.

BESS
So she's shackin' up with him. It's sad that she buried her Birkenstocks. She's turned into a regular Hilary Clinton over night.

TEE
Now she has that Dorothy Hammill haircut again. That was like the most uneventful era of our time. She thinks J.J. is like that guy from 'The Bridges of Madison County'.

BESS
She'd be better off with Urbino from 'Love in the Time of Cholera'.

TEE
What thrills her the most, is the man has the same last name as ours, Jones.

CHINA
At least she won't have to change her monogramed towels.

BESS
Or sweaters.

TEE
Don't forget her bee-hive purse.

BESS
What a pseudo, waspy, prepster. When we inherit her loot, it will all be color coordinated.

CHINA
(Looks out window) Hey, someone's putting up a FOR SALE sign.

BESS
You all didn't know. Mom's putting the house on the market.

TEE
What?

BESS
Mom's selling he house! I told you, move out.

TEE
Where am I gonna live? I barely have a job, my patients are laying me off.

BESS
(Coyly) You two have any lunch plans?

TEE
I have no plans for the rest of my life.

CHINA
Bullshit. We're going to the I.G.A. to check out the new Butcher.

TEE
He's a teenager China.

CHINA
I need fresh meat.

TEE
I'm not rockin' the cradle. Jesus.

ENTER MARYBETH. TEE'S AND BESS'S MOTHER. SHE'S A YOUTHFUL FIFTY YEAR OLD. SHE'S CARRYING RIBBONS.

MARY BETH
(OUTSIDE, She sings and carries in a box) 'Before you accuse me, take a look at yourself, yeah before you 'cuse me take a look at yourself, doda la la, you're taking money from someone else.'

TEE
Mother, must you sing?

MARY BETH
Bess? That's a lyric from Eric Clapton's new C.D. I was just playin' it in my new C.D.player. A gift from Johnny, it's marvelous.

BESS
(to China) I met Clapton at a Rolling Stone dinner.

CHINA
What Rolling Stone dinner, where and when?

BESS0
Eons ago, he was seated directly in front of me, Keith Richards was on my left,
and Lou Reed was on my right.

TEE
Is Lou available, or is he a transvestite.

CHINA
Lou's a he-man. Now let me guess, loverboy had on an Armani suit.

BESS
That is correct.

MARY BETH
Who was his date?

CHINA
Please don't say Michelle Pfeiffer.

BESS
Nope, some other chick who had a friend that wore a dress that looked like a bikini.
She had a protruding bellybutton.

MARY BETH
I don't get it. Now woman are supposed to parade around in bikinis.

CHINA
Try G-strings. It's like using anal floss.

BESS
You're disgusting.This girl had horse teeth, and was full of herself. His date was purely platonic.

TEE
He isn't seeing Michelle Pfeiffer!

BESS
He was using infared on me.

CHINA
(jealous) Why?

TEE
Because Bess is famous China, we are suburban dogmeat.

MARY BETH
Excuse me, but I hardly consider myself Alpo. I'm a blushing bride!

BESS
By the way mother, the answer is no, I will not be your maid of honor. I hate weddings.

TEE
How come I'm not the maid of honor?

MARY BETH
Now listen, I'm not the cause of all your grievances. Georgette's girls just put her through a grueling intervention, how could she be responsible for that despicable man's behavior

CHINA
Was that that serial killer?

TEE
Yes, it Georgette's half-brother that wiped out his entire family,and then blew his brains out..

MARY BETH
Just don't start. I've been given a second chance. Johnny Jones is about the sweetest man I've ever met. Now which color should I use on the tables. Peach would go with the dessert, mango sherbert, but rose would go with the flower arrangements. I'd like your girls to wear color-coordinated dresses.

TEE
NO!

BESS
We're not twins.

CHINA
Wait a second, can we please get back to Princess Bess, and rockin' romeo.

TEE
That bitch.

BESS

I can't help it if I make gobs of money on self-indulgent photo studies.
I'm not famous anyway. You're all in a gnarly mood.

CHINA
Oh right, you just happen to attend the hippest party in town, cuz like you had no other plans,
or like they cancelled L.A. Law.

TEE
And you were forced to go out.

CHINA
And greet Keith Richards, like some long-lost second cousin. Please you are talkin to two star, starved women. Your sister is thinking of shackin' up with Ironside, who doesn't even probably have a dick.

TEE
CHINA! That was cruel. He has a job.

CHINA
Shut-up Tee. So you dined with Clapton?

BESS
I think he wants a normal life. He needs a woman, and I want a baby. I think I'm the perfect candidate.

MARY BETH
Don't be ridiculous, the moment that baby screamed, he'd be off with his next assistant.

CHINA
Really Bess, the man is grieving for his child, you could hardly run a home.

TEE
Too much baggage.

CHINA
And with your upbringing. I mean the man is English, they like virgins.

BESS
Right, I'm a slut, and your as pure as the driven snow.

CHINA
All Englishmen suffer from the Queen phobia, a fear of being dominated by women . Virgins seem less threatening. But if loverboy was into Queen masochism, I could certainly be a 'Mommie dearest.'

BESS
Well then, I'll act innocent. He asked me out on a date.

MARY BETH
(Becoming agitated) What? When? He only likes models.

CHINA
Only glamour puss's

TEE
How could he possibly have considered you?

BESS
Models are just dots on paper, one dimensional bimbos. They never look that good in real life.

TEE
Neither do we, and we're real.

BESS
This breakfast has gotten off on a depressing note. I gave up self-pity for Lent, can we change the subject. (China is burning, she turns on the tube) Let's watch M.T.V.

A VIDEO OF ERIC IS ON TV DOING 'TANGLED IN LOVE.'
CHINA STARTS SMOOCHIN' THE SET.