Martha Stewart Spoof
A short one act I wrote for the VICKY Lawrence show
(© 1998 Taylor Barton)

Int: Kitchen set at Fox.
NANCY and a PA are getting the set ready for air. The PA, whose wearing a carribean sarong is setting up for MARTHA STEWART. She places a piece of stained glass up against the back wall of the kitchen.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Hi, and welcome to the VICKY Lawrence Show. This morning we're lucky to have our
very own rival Martha Stewart. Martha.

VICKY comes out dressed as MARTHA STEWART.
SHE spies the pretty PA and rips off her skirt, leaving her half-naked.

VICKY (MARTHA)
Improvise, that's my motto. Your own clothing can serve as your table cloths. Mine are on sale at K-mart. I'm delighted to be on the show.

VICKY breaks the stained-glass and picks up large chunks.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Time for a commercial break. let us know what you think. fax-us. That's 212-802-4207.

Fake break.

PA (PLAYING A PA)
You forgot your hermes scarf? A little french, n'est PAs?

VICKY swats her like a knat.

VICKY (MARTHA)
I'm polish, not french. Get her out of here.

PA (PLAYING A PA)
You can't order me around, I work for FOX.

VICKY (MARTHA)
I don't care who you work for you little twit, get off my set.

SHE ruffles the tablecloth, spreads it, and places the broken glass in a bowl. EYES the camera.

VICKY (MARTHA)
So, good morning again. Martha Stewart's stained-glass candy. As you all know I summer in what I fondly call Hollyhell, a nickname for The Hamptons, where they still have town dumps.

Everyone knows how to re-recycle don't they?

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Oh look, we already have a fax.

VICKY (MARTHA)
And tell the audience what it says.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
It reads, "I'm the landscaper you pinned to the garage with your range rover, you're going to PAy-

NANCY bleeps out a cus word.

VICKY (MARTHA)
How do you all deal with these rampede lunatics?

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
We don't. For our viewers, we have Martha Stewart and her stained-glass candy.

VICKY (MARTHA)
Back to my recipe. Now what I do is take some stained-glass or any glass.It's very spiritual. I find most of mine at the town dump, it doesn't matter if it's clean or dirty, and it's just marvelous to mix and match colors, with say, and old gallo wine bottle and a 7-up. The children especially love it.

VICKY pulls out a hammer, puts on her gardening gloves, and starts banging away.

VICKY (MARTHA)
So what I do is smash it into little pieces. I like to wear my gardening gloves, it adds a little texture to the candy by simply adding dirt, and we all know a little dirt won't hurt. Repeat after me, "Dirt won't hurt". "Dirt won't hurt".

VICKY smiles falsely at the camera. Pulls a PAn out, crashing it around the kitchen.

VICKY (MARTHA)
Then I lay it out in a PAn and add raw sugar. If you're out of confectioners, just add prozac. The children love it, and it lends a cheery feeeling to fall and Halloween, and whatever god-damn holiday I'm trying to capitalize on.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Time for a station break, okay viewers, get to work. We like your feedback. Fax us at 212-802-4207.

Fake break.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Martha, watch your language. This is a morning show.

VICKY (MARTHA)
My morning show rules. I rule America.

PA runs to NANCY with the fax. NANCY glances at it.

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
We have a fax. Martha you read it.

VICKY reads.
VICKY (MARTHA)
"My name is Mary Sue Whitebread and I've been following your recipe and my little girls Molly and Dolly are choking, What should I do?".. Da. Get a nanny... Now what's so wonderful about my "Martha Stewart stained-glass candy, is it's all natural, and readymade, no cooking time. Do I have any volunteers for a sampling. No one? Well,don't miss my fall, prime-time mini-series, "Martha Stewart, The Goddess".

NANCY (ANNOUNCER)
Thanks folks. Thank-you Martha for being on our show. Tune in tomorrow. We have guest DON AMECHE back from the grave, on how to get nasty stains, like blood, off your tablecloths. Good day.

End of sketch.